One of the perks of being unemployed is the gloriousness of Daytime Television. Have you people heard of the Soap Opera Network? No? How ’bout Oxygen? Well, it’s as bad as you’re thinking it is.
When I was little and I would stay with my Grandma during the summer, we would have to take a break during our Uno/Yahtzee/Domino games to watch her “stories”. That’s what she called them: ”Ok, after this hand I’ve got to go watch my stories”. Her “stories” came on at noon every day and was the soap opera “Days of Our Lives”. I didn’t really mind it very much because she let me watch “I Love Lucy” which came on at 1:00 and 1:30 after her stories.
She still, to this day, watches Days of Our Lives – except they moved it to 1 p.m. – which I’m assured suits her just fine because now she doesn’t have to make lunch early anymore. She used to make my Grandpa eat at 11 a.m. because that way she could have it cleaned up before her noon “stories”.
Note: Don’t feel bad for Grandpa – he is an early riser and ate breakfast by 5 a.m. everyday. So, by 11, he was ready for his lunch.
I still remember when the frenzy of the VCR was revealed to them. ”Wait, you mean I can record my stories and fast forward through commercials???!!” I’m not lying when I say they once bought all the remaining VHS tapes at Walgreen’s because they heard a rumor that they weren’t going to make them anymore. The rumor, I’m pretty sure, was correct because this just happened about 6 months ago. People don’t use VCR’s anymore because of the indescribably-better-in-every-way DVR. But my grandparents are just more comfortable watching their stories on VHS. Hey, at least it isn’t beta.
My point with all of this is to say that woman really liked her daytime t.v. and her stories. And I learned it from watching her.
Today, as I was watching my “stories” (re-runs of 90210 – don’t you dare judge me, don’t you dare. YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS), which also come on at noon (I’m just gonna ignore the irony of that for the sake of my mental health), I saw a commercial for something called “The Better Marriage Blanket”.
Um.
Have you doods seen this thing?
Its slogan is “The World’s First and Only Flatulence Odor Absorbing Blanket”.
Excuse me while I carpet and wallpaper my entire house with these. That’s right – my house is going to be floor to ceiling covered in these things. Much like a mental hospital has padded walls.
More intriguing than the website was the commercial. They never said the words “fart”, “toot”, “poot”, etc. Never sang the “Beans, beans, the magical fruit” song. Never blamed it on the dog. You wanna know why, America (and some select few in the UK and Canada)? Because they’re classy.
Please note: It costs 3 payments of $39.99 to have fresh air.
It just makes me wonder where the smell goes. I mean, is it trapped in the blanket forever?? Should I wash it on an hourly basis? CAN I PUT IT ON MY SKIN?! I just can’t think about it anymore. All I know is my friends should be happy that they got married before this gem came out because they would have gotten this as a wedding present FOR SURE.
Now back to my stories — will they let Donna graduate??? Only time will tell….
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