Good-bye, March 2010 (or, “The Birthday Month”)

Today is the last day of March, my birthday month. I’d be lying if I said any minute of the first two weeks of March were reserved for anything other than birthday celebration. This birthday was a big one. If you look at this post from last year, it says I celebrated my 29th Birthday. So, if you do the math correctly (and if you’re a Carter, you just shouldn’t even try this), that means…yes…I celebrated my Second 29th Birthday.

30.

I’m a 30 year old woman.

That seems impossible. After all, that’s how old my mom is. Or at least, that’s how old I think of her as being. But my mom hasn’t been 30 for…god..25 years. Even saying that now seems crazy. I can’t be this age. My mom certainly can’t be that much older than “this age”.

I just don’t know where the time went. I know that yesterday I was 22, and then today I woke up and I am 30. I remember turning 21 and telling my friend Ashley that it was all down-hill and pretty soon, before we know it, we’re gonna be 30. I remember her saying, CALM DOWN WE ARE NO WHERE NEAR 30. It was a joke that I was ALREADY worrying about 30. But, honestly, I was half correct…we were 30 before we knew it. It went by in a flash, that’s for sure.

I’ve dreaded this moment for 10 years. And I’m not sure why. Now that I’m here, at 30, I keep thinking, “What was all the fuss about?” Sure, the life that I imagined I’d have as a 30 year old isn’t exactly the way my life is now. I thought I’d be an attorney, wearing expensive suits, living in a high rise apartment in New York. I thought I’d be the “go-to” girl. I thought I’d be indispensable and important.

What I turned out to be is an attorney. Wearing suits that cost a respectable amount that doesn’t make your jaw drop. I live in a gorgeous house NO where near New York. But what fills that house is better than I ever thought. I have a great husband and an adorable little dog. What I didn’t even think to have in my “perfect future world” is, turns out, what I can’t live without now. Isn’t that how it always goes?

You can’t always get what you want and if you try sometime you find you get what you need.

I wanted to be the “go-to” girl that solves all the hard problems. My 20 year old self was talking about being a good lawyer, a problem solver. Now, I am a “go-to” girl – just a different type. I’m a friend. I’m there for my friends when they need me. When they have a problem. When they need a laugh. When they need a cry. I pride myself on the fact that I am there for my friends, without judgment and without criticism. And, even better, they know they are important to me. And that – that makes me important and indispensable. This month more than ever, my friends didn’t only make me believe that, they made me feel it.

So, my younger self was on the right track and knew what I’d be but, as is usually the case with younger people, my focus was off. That’s what’s great about being older, being 30. You start to realize what is really worth your time, and what is really important in this life.

I was talking to my mom about aging before my birthday. A few weeks prior to the big 3-0, I was getting nervous about it. She said, “Honey, you spent your 20’s in school. The 30’s are going to be great for you because you FINALLY get to reap the benefits of all that hard work. THIS is the best time of your life!” Is it all mothers that say the EXACT right thing at the EXACT right moment, or just my amazing mom?? Even if, I think my mom has a special knack for it above and beyond the normal call of mom-duty (and this is one of the reasons SHE is important and indispensable).

After she said that, I realized that this could potentially be the best time of my life. And here I was thinking it was wasted on my 20s! I have the potential to make my 30s AWESOME!! Who knew it was up to me?!?!? What a relief!

I woke up on my 30th birthday and thought, “Well, I don’t feel like a crotchety ol’ bitch”. So, I got up and went to the mirror to see how I looked (because, how else are you supposed to know how you feel about yourself if you don’t base it solely on your looks??). I won’t lie. I saw wrinkles. And I kinda freaked the eff out for about 30 seconds. I was mentally making my botox appointment when a sudden sense of calm came across my face and I smiled. And I saw my wrinkles around my mouth. From a life full of smiles.

I realized that my wrinkles, as pre-mature as they are now, are a map of my life.

My laugh lines around my mouth: those are when I met my best friend Ashley in college and we laughed for, what felt like 4 straight years. In fact, I’m not sure we’ve ever stopped laughing. She’s the friend that you can not see for a year and meet for coffee and pick up right where you left off. If you ask me who one of my best friends is the day I die, I will tell you “Ashley” whether I’ve seen her in the last day, year or decade. She, along with my brother, is my “person” (er, people).

And there are so many other people responsible for those laugh lines: my brother, my husband, Meghan, Stephanie, Adam, Christine, Tiffany, John, Erin, Charles, Steve, Jeremy, Cosmo…and more.

The crow’s feet/bags around my eyes: those are from trying to smile when I felt like I couldn’t. My friends trying to make me smile when I could only muster up a grin with my eyes. They are from tears shed, whether they were warranted or whether they were over something silly. They’re from staying up late the last 10 years trying to get through school. From test after test after test. From reading more words than I ever thought possible.

The wrinkles on my nose in between my eyes and on my forehead: Those..oh those…they were ALL from the bar exam. From worrying 3 years about that silly test. From staying in that hotel room and studying for those last few precious minutes. From waiting for results for four.long.months. And from finally passing and worrying about finding a job.

And my husband. Oh, my husband. He is responsible for the laugh lines, the frown lines, and the crows feet – in the best way imaginable. And that is the best possible life. A husband who gives you all of those moments, all of those things. Life isn’t meant to be all wine and roses, even though we have those times too. There are good times (see: laugh lines) and bad times (see: frown lines), and yet still, baby, I wouldn’t have wished it any other way. You’re not just my “person” – you’re me. You’re part of me. When I fail, you feel it. And when I succeed, you feel it too. You want me as happy as you’d want yourself and you want for me the best possible scenarios so I don’t feel any disappointment or sadness. In summary, we’re a wolfpack of one.

And I’m sure that through my life, my “map” will increase and only grow more pronounced, more obvious. And I’m okay with that (disclaimer: I will be using EVERY POSSIBLE product, over the counter and otherwise, to thwart those nasty wrinkles from spreading – much like a crack in your windshield). And I feel compelled to tell everyone how I would’ve had many more frown lines if it weren’t for the fact that I had the World’s Greatest Parents. I didn’t have to worry about a thing until I was a teenager, and even then it was only what to wear or hoping I could have a slumber party. My parents took the brunt of my worries, and they still try to. They, as good parents do, sacrificed themselves so I’d have one less point on my “map” and so I’d have opportunities they didn’t. I was never told I couldn’t do something because I was a girl or I was from a small town or because we didn’t have the money or because it’s too hard. They let me try – which is the greatest thing a parent could do. They let me go do my thing even though it goes against every instinct a parent has – after all, they might be watching their child fail.

I wonder what I’ll see in 10 years when I look in the mirror. 20? Another 30? I’m not sure, but I am looking forward to where I’m headed, I’m proud of where I’m at, and grateful for where I’ve been.

And honestly, what more could a birthday girl ask for?