Monthly Archive for November, 2005

My brother and I are different…

My brother has dark hair and a dark complexion. *I* am blonde, blue-eyed and so pale that most people think I’m english.

My brother could take apart a computer and then put it together again – blindfolded. He cannot, however, do this to a car. *I* have absolutely no desire to do either.

My brother choreographs every move he makes so that they are synchronized in his timing. *I* have fallen down every set of stairs I have ever walked down and pretty much live in a constant state of disarray.

My brother can plan out a photograph (see above example of timing) and still only nail like 50% of the shots. *I* am so photogenic that even the pictures of me sleeping somehow turn out.

My brother (when writing on his website) has no regard for grammer and/or capitalization. Proof: He would start a sentence with a lower-case letter and does not use quotation marks when referencing a quote (i.e: she said what the eff are you doing?). *I* LOVE using correct apostrophes, parentheses, grammer and words and would type it like this: She said, “What the eff are you doing?”

My brother has managed to hold the same type of job and pretty much dated a handful of girls longterm. *I* have had a plethora of jobs and dated most of the boys in all the counties from here to Kern.

My brother would never even consider reposting some idea that has already been developed. *I* am going to make this a “My brother and I are different” series.

To be continued…

100% worth mentioning:

This was originally posted on Craigslist, but a friend of mine sent it to me. (1) Why didn’t I think of this; and (2) I absolutely LOVE it.

—–Original Message—–
From: [mailto:*******
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 9:50 AM
To: ******
Subject: ugh

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I
am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the
people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person
that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all
for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all
of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can
handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even
handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t
handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird,
I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The
world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. I
don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping
that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant
role in my life, I can’t imagine my days without you. It is totally
strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior
didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you
hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a
terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say
or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that
fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever
imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my
life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won’t. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at
your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
great. I can’t even focus or work today, I can’t eat, I seriously feel
like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it
was not that and you are not done with me. Please don’t cut me off, I
really don’t think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

The Reply:
—–Original Message—–
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 12:02 PM
Subject: Re: Ugh….enjoy.

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under “L”
for “Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less
about”.

You did a stupid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting
to carry the one is “a stupid thing”; Mixing in a red sock with a load
of whites is “a stupid thing”; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45
minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long
because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a “Stupid
thing” as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying “Well, I didn’t fark
him” somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world “looked funny” to
you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been
most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings
for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don’t
think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run
of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as
your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it’s pretty
hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my
place even though she’s seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up
tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning
commentary on Colin Farrell’s new haircut is worth putting up with for
a hand job in the men’s room. The good thing about being a guy is that
when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on
top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we’ll have a shot and laugh
our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little
like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC’d about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,
Brad

Actual conversation I had with my boyfriend:

Boyfriend: Babe, do you want some Hummus and carrots?

Me: Uh…NO. I hate hummus.

BF: Why? It’s good!

Me: Um no it isn’t. It looks and smells like baby poop.

BF: [Not letting it go] Why don’t you like it?!?! I’m surprised because you like garbonzo beans so much and that is what it is made from.

Me: No, I like gargonzola CHEESE. I don’t like garbonzo beans.

BF: Oh. Then yeah, you wouldn’t like hummus.

“Tomorrow is no place to place your better days.”

For those of you who have ever received news of an ex’s engagement, or been invited to the g-d wedding, you know what I’m talking about. This song was written specifically for us (and is, in my opinion, one of the few songs that can actually capture a feeling). And on this of all days, reading it makes me a little less bitter and a lot more nostalgic. It is times like these that I think maybe God is listening… And if you’re just not quite THERE yet (i.e. being able to look back fondly on memories), enjoy it my fellow massochists.

I Do
By:Jude
(King Of Yesterday)

I got a letter today
An invitation
And the writing looked like you
Hello how are you and by the way
Please RSVP I do

I thought of writing sad words of how it used to be
But I didn’t want to bring you down, no
I guess the bells will ring pretty well there without me
Don’t worry ’bout me baby I’ll wear the thorny crown
I will play the clown

Chorus:
If you think that I don’t love you, you’re just wrong
And that don’t matter now anyway
I couldn’t bear to see you up there with a white dress on
Here’s my vow to you
I’ll stay away

I remember when in a lover’s whisper you said
No other man would ever share your bed
Well we both know that’s not been so
And I wish I’d never let you go now
You found a better man instead

I wish you health and wealth and a white house on a hill and I
I hope you raise a family
Little boy and a little girl, a little more joy in this little old world
Well, that’d be enough for me

Chorus

Time rolls on
And dreams they die
And I’ve thrown out the pictures I had of you and I
And if you’re ever wondering if love can be true
Well, think of me and remember darling like I, like I do

Ole friendships fade away, love falls apart
And you’ve not spent a single day outside my heart
But, there’s just one more dream that I have left for you
I hope you’re smiling when he turns around and says I do
I do
I do
I do