Today I am a ‘tard. Here’s proof:
My boss is VERY smart and treats me incredibly well. In return, I try to act smart and as if I KNOW what is going on. He appreciates this jesture even though he pretty much knows deep down that it is all a facade. He forgives me of this facade because our personalities truly work well together (i.e. we joke around and have a jovial type atmosphere in the office). Sometimes I slip up and he REALLY know what an ignoramus I am. Here’s how my day went:
9:00 a.m. – Get into the office and proclaim that I leave for Vegas tonight and I can neither deny nor confirm that I will be getting ANYTHING done today. Boss laughs per usual for morning banter in office.
10:13 a.m. – Trying to be proactive and helpful (to atone the fact that I am taking yet another vacation this month), I type up a “memo” that he has on his “list of things to do”. He of course appreciates this and tells me I am “fantastic”. He reads through the rough draft and hands me back the changes. It seems that in this memo I have mistakenly mispelled the word “its”. I have spelled it “tits”…twice. A.W.K.W.A.R.D…we couldn’t even look at each other throughout the reset of the day.
11:31 a.m. – Now, trying to recover my rep after the “tits” thing, I work on default papers. This is pretty intensive and requires the file, etc. I tell him I am working on default papers. He says, “for who”. I say, “Oh, that Fullerton case…um…(looking through papers on desk) oh yeah, World Buffet.” Now that doesn’t sound so bad until I tell you that I put the emphasis on the “t”. As in I said it “Buffetttttttttttt”. Boss looks at me pathetically and says, “You mean ‘World Buffay?” Yes…I mean Buffay. In my own defense, I used to say it like that as a JOKE so I can only assume that I was trying to be funny subconsciously.
I am mortified.
Number of hours until I am in Vegas for the week = 55
Number of dollars it takes to pay for one night at the hotel I’m staying at (Bellagio) = 299
Steping onto the casino floor and hearing the cling cling of the slot machines = priceless.
Reasons why I love Vegas:
1. Slot machines
2. Blackjack
3. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas
4. They have a bar IN the pool
5. Fat Tuesdays (which, thankfully, is open on days other than Tuesday)
6. Old, rich greasy men ask me to ‘blow on their dice’ for good luck in craps
7. Bellagio Water shows (I want my ashes spread in the moat around Bellagio during a water show)
8. Outlet Stores/Fashion Show Mall/Forum Shops
9. Tiffany & Co. INSIDE the Bellagio
10. Ocean’s 11 was filmed there which means that Mr. George Clooney has stood on the steps of Bellagio
11. The Amore Cafe inside of Paris has the BEST bruchetta this mouth has ever tasted
12. Eating dinner/breakfast at 4:00 a.m. before passing out in the hotel room
13. Food is cheap, gambling is not.
14. The statues in front of Caesar’s are nekkid; which always leads to VERY funny photographs.
15. I never look at my watch or worry about anything…it is the grown-up’s Disneyland replacing the snottynosed children with vomitmouthed s*&t faced adults. Could life be ANY better…
“The Carter’s the easy part…”
-Jeff Carter (hereinafter, “JCdN”), my brother. (who had to tell me three times how to do
links…)
Since I finally have the “link” thing down, I’m gonna use the hell out of it. It’s like trying to use a new word…you have to use it three times in actual conversation before you can claim you KNOW it. Therefore, I begin (counting “brother” as 1):
If you want to see God, go here.
AND
If you want your bottom to tingle
YAY! That’s three times ‘in the same line o
f questioning’. I OWN it…..
So, you know the old elementary school trick where you take the name of your first pet and the name of the first street that you remember living on and you get your pr0n name…
In case anyone is keeping track……
My pr0n name: Ginger Palm
My boyfriend’s pr0n name: Muggs Manchester
ACTUAL name of the person who cleaned my condo in Maui: Gay Palmer
My brother’s pr0n name: Suzie Colleen – ok so it doesn’t work for everyone….
Goodwill Hunting
Yesterday, I got a new couch. As not to test karma, I opted to pay $65.06 and rent a UHAUL truck to deliver my old couch to Goodwill. You know for those less fortunate. Now, I’m not gonna get into the debacle which was Uhaul. Let me just say it was an event that ended with a call to customer service saying, “can I talk to your supervisor” and I’m not like that. I’m not one of those people that gripe about everything to customer service until it is free.
So, I (well, my boyfriend) loaded the couches up (in the rain) and we started looking for the closest Goodwill. We called the phone number listed in the phone book and the lady, who obviously hates her job due to her tone of voice and all around disinterest, said it was on the corner of so and so street. Now it’s raining harder and we are even more lost and the windshield wiper on the truck goes flying off. I calmed my boyfriend down and say, “It’s all for the needy.” We FINALLY found the goodwill (NOT on so and so street) and open the back of the UHAUL and tell the men in uniform that we are here to donate these couches (*grinning* because I’ve done something for humanity). They begin to inspect the couches and tell me “No, we don’t want these.” Um. WTF?!?
“What do you mean?”, I ask. They are ‘particular’ about their merchandise. Now, these couches are NOT urine-soaked-crack-den couches. They were in my BEACH city apartment! Nonetheless, there was no goodwill to be had. Is it just me or has Goodwill gotten a little bit too picky?
The ‘needy’ are gonna be pissed when they find out.
“Reap the Whirlwind”
In this world, you are what you do.
You are how you react to situations.
You are what you eat.
You are what you feel on the inside.
You are as complicated or shallow as you decide.
You are how you compose yourself.
You are how you trust.
You are the place that surrounds you.
You are the company you keep.
You are how you treat other people.
You reap what you sow. Karma is a bitch. And she’ll come after you. And the words on her lips shall be, “Vengeance is mine.”
Reap the whirlwind of what you are.
Ayn Rand Weeps.
“The only sexism involved in the Miers nomination is the administration’s claim that once they decided they wanted a woman, Miers was the best they could do. Let me just say, if the top male lawyer in the country is John Roberts and the top female lawyer is Harriet Miers, we may as well stop allowing girls to go to law school.” –Ann Coulter, my chardonnay-swilling goddess
Ann Coulter makes me want to jump on the anit-liberal band wagon…if by doing so I wouldn’t: (a) go straight to hell; and/or (b) be on the wrong side of every issue.
What if former self met present self?
Yesterday, one of my Older Secretaries was feeling very nostalgic and told me she was going to look through some old “memory books” (which I can only assume are just photo albums). As I strive to be the ever-present pessimist in all situations, I said, “What the hell for. Can’t you just REMEMBER the people/places in the ‘memory book’?” Old Secretary got a whimsical look on her face –the kind that you see the main character in a movie get when she/he has the revelation required at the end of a movie–and said to “…Look at a photograph of yourself 5-10 years ago. I bet you won’t even recognize yourself…” Like my grandpa, Old Secretary doesn’t say much, but when she does its a freaking mouthful packed with a punch.
I took Old Secretary’s challenge and, after looking at a photograph of a 20 year old blonde girl with an all-knowing smile that I barely recognize, I wonder…What would happen if my former self met my present self? Would she like her at all? Would she even want to know me? Not that I’ve strayed too far from my goals or aspirations but…something can be said about the naivete that 20 year old in the photograph holds before embarking upon life’s hardest journeys. Former self had never had a heartbreak, a stolen dream or a monumental disappointment and she never would have expected that SHE would be a monumental disappointment.
Personally, I think that former self would kick present self’s ass. For becoming cynical. For being lazy. For being scared. For being an enemy to people that she should be close to. For not knowing when to stop. For wishing for things to happen instead of making them happen. For letting go. For not enjoying the moment. For expecting the worst. For being…a blogger. : )
Its funny because when you are younger, you try so hard to keep growing and going and are scared to death to stand still. But now, being present self looking at former self, I just wish I could run back towards her…and fix all the things I did wrong…and enjoy the things I actually did right…and to tell her that it is all going to be OK.
But most of all, I would tell her to use sunscreen….
I can see the bottom. Of the ocean floor.
I’m in Maui right now and the water is soooo clear and blue. I can see directly down to the bottom. Our room has like a balcony-deck type of thing. So, when it is windy and you don’t want to get sand all over ya, you just get in the good ol’ bikini and lay out. It. is. awesome. More to come later.
Gotta go to the beach…….
){kind=link}
Recent Comments