Well, today started out as a normal day. I went to work, started doing the stuff that I needed to get done and I thought to myself, “Self…something is stinky.” Well, within minutes, my secretary said to me “Leanne do you smell something…stale?” Why yes. I do smell something…stale. I said, “If by ’stale’ you mean ‘ass’, yes. I smell ass.”
After like 3 hours the smell keeps getting worse and worse; however, NO one is saying anything. The smell is directly in the line of my office. Consequently, my office is right by the hallway that leads to the door, bathrooms, kitchen, etc. To get anywhere in the office, you literally have to pass through that hallway. It dawns on me after about 4 hours of breathing in through my mouth that perhaps everyone else is smelling this ass and they think *gasp* it…is…ME. This upsets me because I spend literally thousands of dollars a year attempting to smell delicious. I finally ask the office manager if she smells the ass. Office Manager thinks it is fertilizer in the plant in the hallway. “Well,” I say to Office Manager, “can you ask the plant guy to not put ass in the plant across from my office.” After a while, I try to make a point to the hundred people that have walked by my office that I am not the source of the rank ass-smell.
My boss starts to get a little tired of my gag noises, watery eyes, general complaining and the fact that I can’t concentrate or get any work done because I’ve got a magrain from the smell of ass. We then start to investigate. He starts to think that the ass smell could be a leaking pipe from the floor above us…as in a SEWER pipe. *gag* So, it now a possibility that the ceiling could break open and literally dump someone else’s shit all over me. I’m disturbed by this idea of people crapping on me but then I look up at the ceiling and say, “go ahead…everybody else does.” My boss finds this HILARIOUS and secretly hopes it happens just so he can go home and tell his family about the day his secretary “looked shit in the eye”.
My boss tells me to open the cabinent in the hallway and see if the “ass smell gets more potent.” Heck yes it gets more potent. I open the damn cabinent door to find a dead rat the size of my leg. After vomitting in my mouth and asking for a young priest and an old priest, I ask Office Manager to call management to come get the dead rat ass smell OUT of our cabinent. They oblige but do not hesitate to make all the rat ass smell jokes in my direction. Haha. Yes I see the irony of working for an attorney (some say attorneys are rats) and then indeed having the stench of a rat in the office.
I have literally smelled rotting dead rat ass all day. Not only that, everyone one who walked by my office thought it was ME. Then, I saw the dead rotting rat ass in the cabinent. As I left the office, I told my boss, “Today was not my favorite day working with you…” And I was not lying.
**I abhor rats and ass smell.**
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