When I was little and I would stay with my Grandma during the summer, we would have to take a break during our Uno/Yahtzee/Domino games to watch her “stories”.  That’s what she called them:  ”Ok, after this hand I’ve got to go watch my stories”.  Her “stories” came on at noon every day and was the soap opera “Days of Our Lives”.  I didn’t really mind it very much because she let me watch “I Love Lucy” which came on at 1:00 and 1:30 after her stories.

She still, to this day, watches Days of Our Lives – except they moved it to 1 p.m. – which I’m assured suits her just fine because now she doesn’t have to make lunch early anymore.  She used to make my Grandpa eat at 11 a.m. because that way she could have it cleaned up before her noon “stories”.

Note:  Don’t feel bad for Grandpa – he is an early riser and ate breakfast by 5 a.m. everyday.  So, by 11, he was ready for his lunch.

I still remember when the frenzy of the VCR was revealed to them.  ”Wait, you mean I can record my stories and fast forward through commercials???!!”  I’m not lying when I say they once bought all the remaining VHS tapes at Walgreen’s because they heard a rumor that they weren’t going to make them anymore.  The rumor, I’m pretty sure, was correct because this just happened about 6 months ago.  People don’t use VCR’s anymore because of the indescribably-better-in-every-way DVR.   But my grandparents are just more comfortable watching their stories on VHS.  Hey, at least it isn’t beta.

My point with all of this is to say that woman really liked her daytime t.v. and her stories.  And I learned it from watching her.

Today, as I was watching my “stories” (re-runs of 90210 – don’t you dare judge me, don’t you dare.  YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS), which also come on at noon (I’m just gonna ignore the irony of that for the sake of my mental health), I saw a commercial for something called “The Better Marriage Blanket”.

Um.

Have you doods seen this thing?

Its slogan is “The World’s First and Only Flatulence Odor Absorbing Blanket”.

Excuse me while I carpet and wallpaper my entire house with these.  That’s right – my house is going to be floor to ceiling covered in these things.  Much like a mental hospital has padded walls.

More intriguing than the website was the commercial.  They never said the words “fart”, “toot”, “poot”, etc.  Never sang the “Beans, beans, the magical fruit” song.  Never blamed it on the dog.  You wanna know why, America (and some select few in the UK and Canada)?  Because they’re classy.

Please note: It costs 3 payments of $39.99 to have fresh air.

It just makes me wonder where the smell goes. I mean, is it trapped in the blanket forever?? Should I wash it on an hourly basis? CAN I PUT IT ON MY SKIN?!  I just can’t think about it anymore.  All I know is my friends should be happy that they got married before this gem came out because they would have gotten this as a wedding present FOR SURE.

Now back to my stories — will they let Donna graduate???  Only time will tell….

My sentiments exactly.

My life:

I’d say we have it pretty good.  Even though I’m still looking for a job.  HEAR THAT INTERNETS??  Anybody??  *crickets*

Today, my husband turns 33 years old.

I’ve said this before, but I have to say it again:  We just CAN’T be that old!  I don’t feel that old.  I don’t think we act that old.  And I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT WE DON’T LOOK THAT OLD.  I have several receipts from Sephora that will suggest I’ve spent enough money on facial creams to NOT LOOK OLD.

But, baby, here we are, all grown up.  We’ve (almost) made it past the minimum wage jobs, we’ve moved out of that small apartment and we’re even driving a respectable car (that is, the one of us that gets to drive the BMW over the trustworthy 2004 Honda Civic).  And aside from the material aspects, we get to give away some of our possessions to those who need it, we get to give to charity, and we’re kind to others in a way that only comes with time spent on this earth. In all respects, it seems we’ve grown up.

And I’m happy.  You’ve made me so happy.  You’ve taken care of me, especially this year.  I will always love you for that.  There’s a John Mayer song where he says:

I’m so scared of getting older; I’m only good at being young.  So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun…

Being young was fun, but I’m enjoying this part of our lives so much.  We’re reaping the benefits of some hard word.  And I think that means, in a way, that our lives have just begun.  At least this part of our lives.  And I think we’re doing it right – because regardless of what fills our day, we are doing what we promised we would do with each other — we are growing old together.  On days like this, like you’re birthday, I’m reminded that, though are days are filled with work and responsibilities, at the end of the day, we have each other.  And when we celebrate our birthdays I know that we’re doing something right -we’re growing older with each other.

So, baby, happy birthday.  Can’t wait to spend every one of your birthdays with you!  And thank you for spending the rest of mine with me.

This year, it was a milestone birthday so my family gathered for a small party on the Saturday before my birthday.  We went to my favorite mexican food place, went to my mom and dad’s for cake and ice cream (and presents!).  Before the party, my mom and husband were decorating with party favors, etc.  I remember watching my mom prepare for my birthday parties.  We always had THE BEST birthday parties – each one with a theme, of course.  It was incredible watching my husband help my mom with this birthday.  My husband ran errands and came back with Birthday Surprise #1:

IT’S A DAVE MATTHEWS BAND THEMED CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Complete with Firedancer and lyrics.

I had shown my husband a picture of a Dave cake probably 5 years ago and told him “when I’m 30, I want this”.  He remembered and changed the color scheme to match.  He’s awesome and that cake made turning 30 a little sweeter.  Get it?  Cuz it’s a CAKE and CAKE is sweet???  See what I did there?

It was nice to have the family all together and was just a great start to a wonderful birthday week.

On my actual birthday, we went to dinner and watched a movie and had a nice night in.  I heard from a lot of friends through email, facebook, phone, text, etc.  In fact, my dear friend Meghan texted me several times that day.  That made me feel really special.  I know when my friends have birthdays, they are usually on my mind the entire day.  It never dawned on me that might be true with other people too.  But that’s what great about Meghan – she says what she feels and means what she says.  She texted me the last time that night with: “been thinking about you all day.  hope your day was great”.  It’s simple and it might not seem like a lot, but to me it meant SO MUCH.  It still makes me teary thinking about it and realizing what a great friend I have in her.

It was nice to have it low key because on Thursday, we were headed to VEGAS!  My husband and I were going up on Thursday and some friends/family were meeting us there on Friday evening and spending the weekend with us.  There were a total of 8 of us: the painter’s daughter, the painters-son-in-law (my husband), the painter’s son (my brother), the painter’s daughter-in-law (my sister-in-law), the painter’s brother in law (my uncle) and his wife (my aunt), and a great friend I went to law school with and her husband (they were also in our wedding).  It started as an impromptu trip because my uncle was going to be there on business (editor’s note:  I know it sounds weird to say I’m going somewhere with my uncle, but I assure you, my uncle is NOT like yours.  Mine is pretty much awesome.  We’ve gone on a few vacays together and I’m sure we’ll go on several more – we just get along and he’s not that much older than us…in mental age, that is .  This turned into me telling a few other people and them wanting to go too.  I found some decently priced rooms at Paris hotel and soon enough we had a party.

Of course, I had to figure out a way to thank everyone for driving ALL that way and spending ALL that money to celebrate my Second 29th Birthday.  So, I decided I would make “welcome baskets”.  Ya know, fill ‘em with stuff they’ll need while they’re in Vegas and some other what-nots.  I decided to make it 80’s vegas themed!  I think it’s safe to say I went a little berserk.  The contents of my basket included: silly putty, 80’s sunglasses, rubiks cubes, pixie sticks, pop rocks, fun dip, jolly ranchers, babe ruth (from Goonies, of course), atomic fireballs, fishnet fingerless gloves, neon colored clip in hair, 80’s CD (complete with custom-made label), Hangover Soundtrack, custom made water, wine and champagne (with custom made labels), custom made pink poker chips, and more that I’m forgetting.  And I found these huge playing cards to act as a backdrop for the basket!  Lucky for you, I took copious amounts of pictures:

Why I felt compelled to go to law school when I could have just opened my own “make baskets for rich people” store is beyond me.  I mean, I did this in my jam-jams, no suit required.  And you know what cost more than all the contents for this basket?  Law school.

So my husband and I got into Vegas early in the evening on Thursday.  We went to one of my FAVORITE restaurants for dinner, Mon Ami Gabi.  We went there after we got engaged in Vegas and it has a special place in our hearts.  And stomachs.  And it’s right across the way from the Bellagio Water Show, which is where we actually got engaged.

Isn’t he handsome?

Friday we slept in and had the greatest agenda EVER:  we were planning on going to…*dramatic pause*…Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum.  Now, I don’t know how you feel about wax museums but, basically, I think they are the GREATEST THING EVER IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.  And I’m including the Cheesecake Factory into that.  I was so excited and BEGGED my husband to take me.  Being my birthday, he couldn’t really say no – he couldn’t say no with his mouth, but trust me, his eyes said it.  His eyes were pleading with me.  I chose to ignore it.  Despite his please, the museum ended up being where the World’s Greatest Pictures were taken.  Including, but not limited to:

Babe, are you excited for the wax museum?

Yeah, who is excited for wax museum NOW buddy???!

Please note:  his hand up her shirt

I need to know where to send that last one in order to be given my “Greatest Picture in the History of the World” grand prize.

Then, our friends and family strolled in and we met them for dinner.  The next day, we walked through Bellagio:

Then, we walked through the Aria hotel – GORGEOUS.  Fantastic Fountains and high-end stores, what more could a girl ask for.   While we were there, my husband took me inside Tiffany’s and got me ANOTHER birthday surprise:

We went out to dinner and then went to a dueling piano bar and had the BEST time:

All in all, it was just the PERFECT birthday.  I can’t begin to express how much I appreciate that they were there celebrating with me.  I know it was far and I know it was expensive and I’m just so grateful that I have these people in my life.  I had an absolute BLAST.

Thank you, friends for giving me these memories.  And for celebrating with me.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m ready for Leanne’s Third Annual 29th Birthday.

30.

I’m a 30 year old woman.

That seems impossible.  After all, that’s how old my mom is.  Or at least, that’s how old I think of her as being.  But my mom hasn’t been 30 for…god..25 years.  Even saying that now seems crazy.  I can’t be this age.  My mom certainly can’t be that much older than “this age”.

I just don’t know where the time went.  I know that yesterday I was 22, and then today I woke up and I am 30.  I remember turning 21 and telling my friend Ashley that it was all down-hill and pretty soon, before we know it, we’re gonna be 30.  I remember her saying, CALM DOWN WE ARE NO WHERE NEAR 30.  It was a joke that I was ALREADY worrying about 30.  But, honestly, I was half correct…we were 30 before we knew it.  It went by in a flash, that’s for sure.

I’ve dreaded this moment for 10 years.  And I’m not sure why.  Now that I’m here, at 30, I keep thinking, “What was all the fuss about?”  Sure, the life that I imagined I’d have as a 30 year old isn’t exactly the way my life is now.  I thought I’d be an attorney, wearing expensive suits, living in a high rise apartment in New York.  I thought I’d be the “go-to” girl.  I thought I’d be indispensable and important.

What I turned out to be is an attorney.  Wearing suits that cost a respectable amount that doesn’t make your jaw drop.  I live in a gorgeous house NO where near New York.  But what fills that house is better than I ever thought.  I have a great husband and an adorable little dog.  What I didn’t even think to have in my “perfect future world” is, turns out, what I can’t live without now.    Isn’t that how it always goes?

You can’t always get what you want and if you try sometime you find you get what you need.

I wanted to be the “go-to” girl that solves all the hard problems.  My 20 year old self was talking about being a good lawyer, a problem solver.  Now, I am a “go-to” girl – just a different type.  I’m a friend.  I’m there for my friends when they need me.  When they have a problem. When they need a laugh.  When they need a cry.  I pride myself on the fact that I am there for my friends, without judgment and without criticism.  And, even better, they know they are important to me.  And that – that makes me important and indispensable.  This month more than ever, my friends didn’t only make me believe that, they made me feel it.

So, my younger self was on the right track and knew what I’d be but, as is usually the case with younger people, my focus was off.  That’s what’s great about being older, being 30.  You start to realize what is really worth your time, and what is really important in this life.

I was talking to my mom about aging before my birthday.  A few weeks prior to the big 3-0, I was getting nervous about it.  She said, “Honey, you spent your 20’s in school.  The 30’s are going to be great for you because you FINALLY get to reap the benefits of all that hard work.  THIS is the best time of your life!” Is it all mothers that say the EXACT right thing at the EXACT right moment, or just my amazing mom??  Even if, I think my mom has a special knack for it above and beyond the normal call of mom-duty (and this is one of the reasons SHE is important and indispensable).

After she said that, I realized that this could potentially be the best time of my life.  And here I was thinking it was wasted on my 20s!  I have the potential to make my 30s AWESOME!!  Who knew it was up to me?!?!?  What a relief!

I woke up on my 30th birthday and thought, “Well, I don’t feel like a crotchety ol’ bitch”.  So, I got up and went to the mirror to see how I looked (because, how else are you supposed to know how you feel about yourself if you don’t base it solely on your looks??).  I won’t lie.  I saw wrinkles.  And I kinda freaked the eff out for about 30 seconds.  I was mentally making my botox appointment when a sudden sense of calm came across my face and I smiled.  And I saw my wrinkles around my mouth.  From a life full of smiles.

I realized that my wrinkles, as pre-mature as they are now, are a map of my life.

My laugh lines around my mouth:  those are when I met my best friend Ashley in college and we laughed for, what felt like 4 straight years.  In fact, I’m not sure we’ve ever stopped laughing.  She’s the friend that you can not see for a year and meet for coffee and pick up right where you left off.  If you ask me who one of my best friends is the day I die, I will tell you “Ashley” whether I’ve seen her in the last day, year or decade.  She, along with my brother, is my “person” (er, people).

And there are so many other people responsible for those laugh lines:  my brother, my husband, Meghan, Stephanie, Adam, Christine, Tiffany, John, Erin, Charles, Steve, Jeremy, Cosmo…and more.

The crow’s feet/bags around my eyes:  those are from trying to smile when I felt like I couldn’t.  My friends trying to make me smile when I could only muster up a grin with my eyes.  They are from tears shed, whether they were warranted or whether they were over something silly.  They’re from staying up late the last 10 years trying to get through school.  From test after test after test.  From reading more words than I ever thought possible.

The wrinkles on my nose in between my eyes and on my forehead:  Those..oh those…they were ALL from the bar exam.  From worrying 3 years about that silly test.  From staying in that hotel room and studying for those last few precious minutes.  From waiting for results for four.long.months.  And from finally passing and worrying about finding a job.

And my husband.  Oh, my husband.  He is responsible for the laugh lines, the frown lines, and the crows feet – in the best way imaginable.  And that is the best possible life.  A husband who gives you all of those moments, all of those things.  Life isn’t meant to be all wine and roses, even though we have those times too.  There are good times (see: laugh lines) and bad times (see: frown lines), and yet still, baby, I wouldn’t have wished it any other way.  You’re not just my “person” – you’re me.  You’re part of me.  When I fail, you feel it.  And when I succeed, you feel it too.  You want me as happy as you’d want yourself and you want for me the best possible scenarios so I don’t feel any disappointment or sadness.  In summary, we’re a wolfpack of one.

And I’m sure that through my life, my “map” will increase and only grow more pronounced, more obvious.  And I’m okay with that (disclaimer: I will be using EVERY POSSIBLE product, over the counter and otherwise, to thwart those nasty wrinkles from spreading – much like a crack in your windshield).  And I feel compelled to tell everyone how I would’ve had many more frown lines if it weren’t for the fact that I had the World’s Greatest Parents.  I didn’t have to worry about a thing until I was a teenager, and even then it was only what to wear or hoping I could have a slumber party.  My parents took the brunt of my worries, and they still try to.  They, as good parents do, sacrificed themselves so I’d have one less point on my “map” and so I’d have opportunities they didn’t.  I was never told I couldn’t do something because I was a girl or I was from a small town or because we didn’t have the money or because it’s too hard.  They let me try – which is the greatest thing a parent could do.  They let me go do my thing even though it goes against every instinct a parent has – after all, they might be watching their child fail.

I wonder what I’ll see in 10 years when I look in the mirror.  20? Another 30?  I’m not sure, but I am looking forward to where I’m headed, I’m proud of where I’m at, and grateful for where I’ve been.

And honestly, what more could a birthday girl ask for?

Note:  A post detailing the celebration(s) is coming up next.  Patience…you’ll learn it when you’re older…

I lived with my brother at the time and I went to someplace in West Covina and looked at a bunch of different puppies.  Cosmo was the first one I saw and the first one to jump into my arms and struggle to get ahead of all the other puppies.  He WANTED to see me.  He NEEDED me.  And I fell in love immediately.  He had such spunk.  Such personality.

Now, remember, I was a very young barely 24 year old (I had just had a birthday).  I didn’t know about “puppy-mills” or shelters.  I mean, I just thought the shelters kept all the puppies — I never really knew they were “put down”.  Had I known, I wouldn’t have “bought” Cosmo, but found a shelter and saved a pup.  But I still remember finding an ad in the Pennysaver, driving to a woman whose name was Denise Kiss.  My mom’s name is Dennise so I remember it easily.  She didn’t want to accept a check because she was afraid it would bounce since she didn’t know me (I mean, even if she did know me — I was 24 and had bounced a few checks).  Once she saw how much I loved Cosmo and how much the puppy loved me back, she said she’d accept a check no problem.

I drove home with him on my arm the entire time.  He couldn’t have weighed any where near a pound.

I walked into the house with him and my brother was on the couch, taking a nap.  I placed Cosmo on his chest and he woke up and said, “What is that?  Is that a dog?”  Actually, looking back on it, I’m not even sure if I ever asked him if he was okay with me getting a dog.  Heheheh…*drawing circle in sand with toe*…sorry ’bout that, Brother.

I think they loved each other immediately too.  We went to the pet store and got him food and toys and he was so awesome.  Still is awesome.  Even if it did take me about 3 years to potty-train him.

About 10 days after I got Cosmo, he got incredibly sick.  I mean, seizures-barfing-whining-taking-him-to-the-puppy-ER-in-the-middle-of-the-night sick.  We almost lost him and my brother got up in the middle of the night with me and took care of him and knew what to do and knew where to go.  I just shut down, but my brother really put the plan in action to save his little life.  I think that is the night I knew he could make a fantastic doctor.  I know it’s the night I decided I could trust him with just about anything.

The doctors first thought he was hypo-glycemic (which is hilarious because my mom is hypoglycemic and then it would “run in the family”), then found that he had a parasite running around his little body.  He weighed in at .6 lbs when he was sick.  POINT six, people.  He was a sick little boy — which is, I’m sure, the reason I’ve babied him his entire life.  And that’s probably why he is on the “bratty” side.  I think having a pet is good practice before having a child. Hopefully, I’ve learned from my mistakes.  And Cosmo doesn’t have to grow up to be a productive member of society so I don’t really care how bratty he is. He’s my boy.

And I couldn’t love him more.

I received your check in the mail today. Thanks again for getting it to me so promptly – I know you’re incredibly busty – I really appreciate it!

Did I mention that the person responsible for billing is the head honcho attorney’s WIFE?!?

Awkward.

I was trying to thank her for sending my check when I know she is so BUSY.  I think it says something about me that my fingers automatically type “busty” instead of “busy”.  Thank God I proof read!  Honestly, I would have DIED.  It reminds me of the time I worked at another law office as a secretary (*ahem* administrative assistant) and we got a resume in and it said that she had “excellent proff reading skills”.  No lie.  I almost called her in for an interview to be able to tell her about the typo.

I laughed for a good 30 minutes at my ALMOST faux pas.  Or shall I say “faux paw”.

One of the greatest things ever said in the history of the world was by NeNe on RH of Atlanta.  Here’s a clip:

Hilarious.

I am a 10, I could probably go down to a size 8. but I don’t FEEL LIKE it.  Guess why!  Because I’m f—ing hon-gry!”